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| Everything is ice. In my eyes, on my soul, in my dreams... ice.
Everytime I look at him, I see the ice. And I can't get clean enough, I can't wear enough clothing to stop myself from feeling like his eyes of destruction are on me.
Eyes that made me trust in a lie. The fallacy that was me being stupid again.
I can't wear enough clothing. I'm sure everyone else in the house thinks I've been hurting myself again... but I haven't. For once, I don't feel like its necessary. I feel like... it would prove him in the right.
I'm stronger than him. I am. And I refuse to be scared of nothing more than a perverted boy. But I won't give him the satisfaction of seeing my skin. The skin he so desperately craves that he would violate my trust, and, in fact, my very life, to touch.
He knew of my past, I trusted him with that information. And as it turns out, he's just like the rest of them. He did exactly what they did to me.
It was ten times worse because I wasn't even coherent enough to say no. I was ASLEEP.
I can't wear enough clothing.
It feels like I'm in a prison in my own apartment. He lurks in the living room, playing with my little brother that he calls "friend" and acting just as though nothing happened. Just as he did... before I caught him at it. So I stay in my room, hidden away and trying not to let it overtake me. It makes me sick in ways that I can't comprehend to know that he was LYING to me for so long about everything... making me trust him, so he could get near the skin he lusts after... so he could touch it while I was unaware.
So he could violate me, mind, body, and soul. A mere boy, exacting this much power over me?!
I won't stand for it. I feel nothing but rage and pity for the sick fool. And in that rage... I will NOT give him the satisfaction of seeing the skin he so desperately lusts after.
I can't wear enough clothes to stop the ice from forming. Someone... rescue me.
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| Is it wrong that I'm so freakin' happy about Lance Bass coming out of the closet? Honestly! Its about fucking time! I heard about this, and it made me smile, because when I was a girl I loved NSYNC , and Lance was my favorite one.
I had a habit of using gay boys as my cover when I was trying to hide that I liked girls.
Anyway, yeah... this should open up a lot of doors for the gay community, I think. I mean, he made his career off of making preteen girls fall in love with him... and he's gay! It makes me wonder how many more celebrities are living in the closet... and if any of them have played such a role in my life.
As far as I know, he's the first boyband guy to come out. So... I'm waiting for more. Yeah.
Shut up, gay people make me happy.
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| This is one of my famous "yes, I'm alive" posts.
So yes, I'm alive.
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| Everything hurts right now. And what started it was so fucking simple...
"Hehe, I want this whole room cleaned up before I get back, Shade..."
I knew he was joking... at least, I knew on the surface. But my mind has a way of fucking me over, eh? In short, I cleaned the room while Koen, Mitch, and my brother went to Jack-in-the-Box. Yeah. What's sick is that it depressed me, to the point where I'm thinking the bad thoughts again...
They keep telling me, "Hey, we pick on you all the time, you're just taking it badly lately. What's wrong with you?" What's wrong with me? WHAT'S FUCKING WRONG WITH ME?! I'll tell you.
I've NEVER liked being picked on. My self-esteem is already so low... pushing it lower isn't helping. And every single one of their "jokes" is very, very hurtful.
They make me feel useless. Abso-fucking-lutely useless. Its like, I can't hold down a job, I can't properly clean a house, and I leave my shit everywhere (and the sick part is that all of the above are true). But... somehow hearing out of them, in supposed good humor, really drives the point home.
I'm useless. I have no point in existing... so why am I here?
I cleaned the apartment up a little while they were gone, and they were shocked. I guess they have every right to be, considering that's the first thing I've done right in a very long time...but... it just hurt. Hurt so bad I had to run and hide in my room to write this and cry about how useless and alone I am.
Because I am... very much useless and alone. Very.
Now if you'll excuse me, I know of just one way to make this better...
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| So... its 9:30 AM and I'm not asleep, though I should be. I haven't slept at all... and I can't figure out why.
I just... guess I can't sleep alone right now. Everytime I lay down, I get haunted by the memories of the girls I've held in my arms while we slept... and it makes it unbearable.
Its all so... melodramatic. How its impossible for me to do anything because of the neverending ache of not being in love.
I'm pathetic. I need to be shot. Right in the face.
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