Shaded_Reality's Xanga

Friday, August 04, 2006

Fri, 04 Aug 2006 01:14:08 GMT

Everything is ice. In my eyes, on my soul, in my dreams... ice.

Everytime I look at him, I see the ice. And I can't get clean enough, I can't wear enough clothing to stop myself from feeling like his eyes of destruction are on me.

Eyes that made me trust in a lie. The fallacy that was me being stupid again.

I can't wear enough clothing. I'm sure everyone else in the house thinks I've been hurting myself again... but I haven't. For once, I don't feel like its necessary. I feel like... it would prove him in the right.

I'm stronger than him. I am. And I refuse to be scared of nothing more than a perverted boy. But I won't give him the satisfaction of seeing my skin. The skin he so desperately craves that he would violate my trust, and, in fact, my very life, to touch.

He knew of my past, I trusted him with that information. And as it turns out, he's just like the rest of them. He did exactly what they did to me.

It was ten times worse because I wasn't even coherent enough to say no. I was ASLEEP.

I can't wear enough clothing.

It feels like I'm in a prison in my own apartment. He lurks in the living room, playing with my little brother that he calls "friend" and acting just as though nothing happened. Just as he did... before I caught him at it. So I stay in my room, hidden away and trying not to let it overtake me. It makes me sick in ways that I can't comprehend to know that he was LYING to me for so long about everything... making me trust him, so he could get near the skin he lusts after... so he could touch it while I was unaware.

So he could violate me, mind, body, and soul. A mere boy, exacting this much power over me?!

I won't stand for it. I feel nothing but rage and pity for the sick fool. And in that rage... I will NOT give him the satisfaction of seeing the skin he so desperately lusts after.

I can't wear enough clothes to stop the ice from forming. Someone... rescue me.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 11:51:13 GMT

Is it wrong that I'm so freakin' happy about Lance Bass coming out of the closet? Honestly! Its about fucking time! I heard about this, and it made me smile, because when I was a girl I loved NSYNC , and Lance was my favorite one.

I had a habit of using gay boys as my cover when I was trying to hide that I liked girls.

Anyway, yeah... this should open up a lot of doors for the gay community, I think. I mean, he made his career off of making preteen girls fall in love with him... and he's gay! It makes me wonder how many more celebrities are living in the closet... and if any of them have played such a role in my life.

As far as I know, he's the first boyband guy to come out. So... I'm waiting for more. Yeah.

Shut up, gay people make me happy.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Mon, 31 Jul 2006 08:28:07 GMT

This is one of my famous "yes, I'm alive" posts.

So yes, I'm alive.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Fri, 21 Jul 2006 08:44:00 GMT

Everything hurts right now. And what started it was so fucking simple...

"Hehe, I want this whole room cleaned up before I get back, Shade..."

I knew he was joking... at least, I knew on the surface. But my mind has a way of fucking me over, eh? In short, I cleaned the room while Koen, Mitch, and my brother went to Jack-in-the-Box. Yeah. What's sick is that it depressed me, to the point where I'm thinking the bad thoughts again...

They keep telling me, "Hey, we pick on you all the time, you're just taking it badly lately. What's wrong with you?" What's wrong with me? WHAT'S FUCKING WRONG WITH ME?! I'll tell you.

I've NEVER liked being picked on. My self-esteem is already so low... pushing it lower isn't helping. And every single one of their "jokes" is very, very hurtful.

They make me feel useless. Abso-fucking-lutely useless. Its like, I can't hold down a job, I can't properly clean a house, and I leave my shit everywhere (and the sick part is that all of the above are true). But... somehow hearing out of them, in supposed good humor, really drives the point home.

I'm useless. I have no point in existing... so why am I here?

I cleaned the apartment up a little while they were gone, and they were shocked. I guess they have every right to be, considering that's the first thing I've done right in a very long time...but... it just hurt. Hurt so bad I had to run and hide in my room to write this and cry about how useless and alone I am.

Because I am... very much useless and alone. Very.

Now if you'll excuse me, I know of just one way to make this better...

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 15:32:21 GMT

So... its 9:30 AM and I'm not asleep, though I should be. I haven't slept at all... and I can't figure out why.

I just... guess I can't sleep alone right now. Everytime I lay down, I get haunted by the memories of the girls I've held in my arms while we slept... and it makes it unbearable.

Its all so... melodramatic. How its impossible for me to do anything because of the neverending ache of not being in love.

I'm pathetic. I need to be shot. Right in the face.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 10:07:47 GMT

I guess I owe the world a post, to prove I'm alive.

So, here I am. I'm alive.

And the job hunting isn't going well at all.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Tue, 04 Jul 2006 00:26:25 GMT

I'm at home again, on a Monday afternoon, lounging in front of the TV and finally taking in a movie that, six years ago, I wanted to see but couldn't because I never had anyone to go to movies with. Now, its the kind of movie that I'm supposed to detest.

10 Things I Hate About You.

Now, normally I HATE highschool movies. Hate them with a fiery passion that consumes my being. But this one just so happens to be a modern-day adaptation of Shakespeare's "Taming of the Shrew."

For the record, the first time I saw TotS performed, I hated it. I thought that Shakespeare was a womanizing asshole and his play was nothing but an exercise in mysogynism. Or however that's spelled. But upon further review (a couple of re-reads and some analyzation) I decided that the play actually portrayed everyone else in the production as the idiots, and the lone heroine being the "Shrew."

The ending sucked.

Anyway, so I'm watching this movie... and I know that the ultimate goal is to have the girl, played by Julia Styles, go from out and wonderful feminist to a subservient shell of a girl, but for now, I'm enraptured by her freedom.

Haha, the dude who's supposed to win Julia's heart just got called "Verona." Love the reference.

As it turns out, the movie didn't suck as hard as it could. Given, its a teenybopper movie and all that good shit... but at least the ending was better than the one in the actual play.

*sigh* I hate love stories.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 06:44:55 GMT

Well tonight, frankly, SUCKED. It was Vincent's birthday, and for it we were all supposed to go down to the strip, then to Aruba (the club) for this band that Vincent booked specifically for his birthday. So we get to the strip a half hour late, and wander around for about an hour and a half, during which time Vincent and Koen got SMASHED and started yelling "MARCO! POLO!" at the top of their lungs on the bridge at the TI.

But it was fun walking through the Venetian with all the normals staring at us... we were all dressed up nice and gothy (I wish I had pictures, but I had to book it home before the camera dude showed up... I'll get to why in a minute.) Anyway. There were all these people staring at us, so I started staring back all creepy-like. And the ones who didn't get it, I growled at. And one couple screamed. So that was nice, and I had fun.

But babysitting two full-grown men who were heavily inebriated? Not so fun.

Anyway, so we go down to Aruba, I help everyone set up, I lace up corsets and I hold Vincent's hair while he pukes. And I'm being good, only drinking water, and watching a quickly-sobering Koen hit on a girl who I thought was really cute. Apparently they went and made out and now this chick kinda has a thing for him, but whatever.

Then this giant bald guy asked to see my ID. Now, everyone, including the ID checkers, had told me I was cool, and that as long as I didn't drink they were fine. But this fucking bald guy won't let up, so the OWNER of the joint tells him to lay off, and that as long as I stay away from the bar, I was cool.

I didn't plan on drinking anyway.

Anyway... I'm there for about a half-hour, when one of the guys running the show comes up and tells me that I need to make myself look like I'm working for the band, because there apparently was an undercover cop in the joint. Wheeee. So I decided that it wasn't worth the trouble of getting arrested and getting the bar shut down, so I went home with the girl that made out with Koen. And for the entire car ride home, she talked about him.

Grrrrrrr. That brings me to my second subject. Fucking relationships.

I'm pissed that everyone around me is finding someone new, or is finally happily with someone. And everytime I get interested in someone, they either don't get interested in me or they quickly move on to someone else (or they're with someone else already). And tonight is a perfect example of this. Koen and I could usually talk to each other about how much it sucks that we don't have girls to be with. We were joking about how we had to find a cute pair of twins, one straight and one really gay. Sooooo... now, he's apparently into this chick that I thought was cute, and she's into him, and they're gonna do stuff. And I'm mad, because now I'm the only one alone. Again. Gods.

This sucks. I hate watching happy couples. Hate hate hate hate hate it. *sigh*

And I'm home, alone, because everyone else is still at Aruba and I can't be there because I'm underage and the cops would totally come down on me. Life sucks.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 00:06:03 GMT

So, in part two of the bitchy roommates saga, Koen made other plans for tonight, even after we had plans to be at Haven. Which means I don't get to go. Making matters worse, his other plans involve three of our mutual friends, and I was so very nicely NOT invited on that venture either. So instead of going out like I'd planned... I get to stay home. Alone. With absolutely nothing to do.

Unless someone in that little group takes the hint upon arrival at my apartment and invites me along. Unlikely.

I'm sick of being kicked around, I tell you. What am I supposed to do when my plans get canceled at the very last minute and get replaced with nothing?

*sigh* I'm just bitter that apparently my "friends" don't want to include me on their fun.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Wed, 28 Jun 2006 21:02:52 GMT

News: none. That is all.